Wanting a romantic relationship rather than being a loving couple

In Bird to Bird, memoirist Anne Lamott’s best-selling writing guide, breaks down a problem that is repeatedly encountered with students in her writing groups. “The problem that comes up again and again is that these people want to be published. They want to write, but they really want to be published. “

Wanting the result more than the journey or the commitment to be the person doing the thing is something I observe in dating and relationships.

People may want to be a loving couple, but they really want what it means to be in a relationship. The assumed status, security and safety of having a romantic partner; the problems they believe they will no longer have. It’s what they believe being in a relationship will make them feel. Some even believe that a relationship will make them feel in a certain way. the. time.

That’s the question: everything we do has a “why” (our intention) and governs the results we experience.

Knowing our intentions helps us make better decisions that align with who we are. Not knowing our “why,” or confusing and combining our agenda with something else means we are pursuing the wrong things. We compare ourselves, stick to ourselves, and try to take shortcuts that exceed our genuine needs, values, and boundaries. We may be disappointed when it takes longer than we thought. When faced with what appear to be difficult choices or an excessive risk of failure and harm, we could get out of bail. Or we will make more efforts to please people in the relationship to try to drive the result.

And let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship.

However, if we do not have a genuine desire to be a loving couple, to forge genuine intimacy, to practice discernment, to have healthy boundaries that promote close and loving relationships that allow us to be more who we are, we will stick. our cart to what we believe and to whom we believe will offer what we believe we want.

We’ll stay with someone we don’t like and we have little real compatibility instead of being alone. There will be impatience, moving too fast, maybe rejecting anything that seems like the “job” of showing up. Instead, we might choose to have difficult relationships with emotionally unavailable and shady people. The leap between hoops and the anxiety of “love against prognosis” will feel more “earned” and credible.

Just as a writer might claim the version of success and credibility through publication, we, in wanting a relationship rather than being a loving couple, will aspire, pursue, and anguish for our image of relationships.

We may want to marry or not be single more than we want to discern with whom we associate. And that matters, a lot. We can only experience healthy, loving, satisfying, and sustainable relationships with compatible partners. This means sharing similar core values ​​and meeting our emotional needs.

When we are unaware of how we are doing things or of our hidden and biased motivations, we push our limits. We don’t like the person we become on the road to the destination we are trying to reach. So we need to recognize where we want (want) the outcome, the status, rather than the journey or the commitment to be that person.

We make very different decisions when we focus on controlling an outcome and prioritizing the state than when we are driven to be ourselves.

If we do not do something if we do not achieve the desired and expected result in the way and time we have decided, we must stop. It’s time to dump her and move on. We need to connect with our real “why” as well as how we feel. And then we have to use that honesty to guide us toward making more intentional decisions. Only then will we be able to care for and be ourselves and have more freedom to enjoy our choices.

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