The ultimate goal of dating and intimate relationships is to reach a juicy YES, which expands the heart and mutual!
However, you will not be able to achieve this complete YES until you have mastered your NO.
Saying NO (to unwanted dates, sex, relationships, etc.) is something many of my clients struggle with. But it is an essential skill for finding and growing love relationships, because:
- Saying NO to what we don’t want leaves room in our lives for what we really want!
- Saying NO when we are not fully enthusiastic frees other people from our false, or heartless, and gives them the freedom to pursue their own true YES.
Our ability to express a clear and loving NO frees us and others from falsehood.
In other words, this is what you need to do! Clarity = kindness.
There are several reasons why saying NO is awful:
- We are afraid that saying NO will lead to loneliness
- We don’t like to hurt someone’s feelings
- We have been socialized to be polite and with people, please, instead of being authentic
- We are confused about what our YES and NO are
- We believe that saying NO is insecure (you may have been punished for it at some point)
- We don’t know how to say NO without shutting ourselves down emotionally and feeling disconnected
These obstacles can be overcome with conscious awareness and practice. We can learn to say NO in a way that makes us feel secure, grounded, affectionate, and connected.
For example, you can enroll a trusted friend in this powerful exercise:
Take turns making hypothetical requests to each other (ask for a hug, a date, a kiss, etc.) and say “no,” or “no, thank you” with all your heart, even if you like it. saying yes. Feel how this NO reverberates in your body and visualizes expressing your NO from the center of your chest, and integrating care, connection and kindness. Practicing this skill in a safe and controlled environment may make it easier to say NO to an appointment where you feel vulnerable.
It can be scary to walk away from nice people and to the vulnerability of a radically authentic expression, but the quality of your intimate relationships depends on that. Being more honest with yourself and others about your desires, needs, and boundaries is key to building loving associations based on truth and love, rather than fear..
In other words, when your lover can fully trust your NO, only then they can fully trust your YES. This is when the true discovery of another human being can really begin, unpretentiously: this is genuine intimacy.
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